Worry

I saw the midwife this morning. It was a totally routine appointment and I should be just getting on with my day, eating lunch and getting ready to go and get the girls from nursery in the rain. Except I’m not. I’ve just sat here with my notes beside me, googling all the results and worrying.

The baby’s heartrate is slightly down from the last time. Still perfeectly normal, the midwife said that she was a chilled out baby but I googled that. My blood pressure was slightly higher than last time, I googled that. My ferritin is slightly low, I googled that.My heamoglobin is excellent, didn’t google that. The baby has had a growth spurt, is now measuring a week ahead, I googled that.

And now I want to cry. I won’t, as I’ve just done my make-up again as I had a half hour walk home in the driving rain, but I’d like to.

Can I be brutally honest? I don’t want to prepare for this baby becuase I am convinced that she won’t be OK,  that there won’t be a baby to bring home. Last time, with twins, I was monitored really closely, scans every two weeks, a consultant appointment every two weeks, midwives on top of all that, a planned induction, an epidural, the whole works. This time, in this unremarkable normal pregnancy, there’s none of that. The baby gets measured in a rudimentary way every four weeks but that’s all, I’m asked how I’m feeling and my word is taken. Its so odd. I just think to myself that in April, when it’s all gone wrong, we can move on with our lives, take the girls away, move house maybe, do seomthing spectacular to counteract the devastation. I can’t picture giving birth, I can’t picture holding a baby, a baby living in this house with us, I can’t picture any of it.

She is kicking away right now as I write this. My littlest girl. I have no idea of her personality or if she looks like her sisters, but I want to. I desperately want to know her, to hold her. Izzy Biz asked me yesterday if she cried in my tummy. I want to see her with her sisters. I want that more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

I’m crying now. Bugger.