Mother’s Day

Five years ago, I went out for a meal with J and his family. His sister-in-law bought her mum and grandma and I can remember almost all of it. Presents were given to all the Mum’s in the group and I can remember sitting there, Ruby (our then two year old niece) in my lap and feeling as miserable as I can remember ever feeling. Of course, a year later, I was about to have my girls, but I didn’t know that then, how could I, we were months off even trying, and the feeling of isolation was utterly devastating.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I was probably the most maternal of all of us three sisters, I did some child minding in my early twenties while I was (briefly) at University but then I discovered a career and that was that. I was resolutely single for a long time, worked stupidly hard, there was a lot going on as well during that time, and my thoughts about being a mother were pushed firmly to one side. Both my sisters had all of their children before I had mine and their children are the light of my life, particularly my oldest nephew as I lived with him and my sister for a while.

I know full well that I would not have children if I had stayed with my ex. I probably knew that then, but pretended that I didn’t. I can barely imagine how I’d feel if I was with him now, very nearly 38, and no children. No prospect of children. A career, yes but just the two of us. It chills me, if I’m honest.

Ironically, I could imagine having a life without kids with J. We have huge fun together, have lots of plans for after our girls are grown and I sometimes crave time with him, just the two of us. Having said that, I am so glad that I do have children with him. He’s a wonderful father, and he makes me a better mother. We’re very different in our parenting styles but on the same page where we need to be, in the way we are raising our girls morally, ethically, and to be the people we would love them to be.

So Mother’s Day. In the UK, it was today and I received a handmade card that each of my girls made me at nursery. Nothing else. No gift, no shop bought card. I had a lie-in until 8.20am (a serious luxury) and the girls went to their grandparents for a couple of hours so we could have some lunch. And it was the best day. I watched the girls play in the garden for a bit in just t-shirts, a sign that we might actually get some nice weather at some point and I made them laugh in the car by singing songs from Beauty and the Beast. No commercialisation. No money spent. The best.

I dislike Mother’s Day anyway. It strikes me as a holiday that makes people feel awful. People who want to be mothers and can’t, people who have lost children, people who have lost mothers. I hate the way that Instagram becomes one big ad in the week or so running up to the day itself and then the way that the vast majority of instagrammers spend the day showing us what they have been gifted. There is the odd beautiful post within all that, the lovely posts where people talk about their feelings about being a mother, a daughter, a niece or nephew, about being someone who doesn’t have children on this day of all days, they are poignant and heartfelt and not at all curated. I have enjoyed those very much, but I have not posted about it today. I didn’t post on Valentines Day. Or International Women’s Day. I have posted around these days, my girls as normal and my instastories are the usual mix of moaning about how little sleep I get and watching my girls say silly things in my messy house. And soft play. Lots and lots of soft play!

Tomorrow will be Monday. No different to today but for a huge number of people, it will come as a blessed relief, and I will leave this with that. I hope that you all had a wonderful Sunday, a Mother’s Day if you are in the UK, and that you snuggled with your babies.