Stalemate

Firstly, is that one word or two?

I’m procrastinating. It’s half term and the girls are not at nursery. This is both wonderful and frustrating, mostly wonderful, it’s lovely that they wake up and ask what we’re doing and it’s soft play or the park or today, their cousin came over. She’s two years older than them, and they have grown up together, my sister used to look after her while my sister, her mum, was at University and so we used to spend days together, the five of us, even when my girls were tiny. She obviously is at school now so we see her less often, but when we do, she always slips back into the old routine with us all. It’s funny, Isla doesn’t leave her side when she is around, talks to her about this and that, asks her questions and tells her over and over that she is her best friend. Grace, on the other hand, gets very over excited, plays hard for a little while then takes herself off for twenty minutes to recharge. She’s like her daddy in many ways.

I digress. Again. I am very aware suddenly that we are in the throes of the final countdown. It feels as if there is a countdown to everything. No more meandering through the year, Christmas and birthdays being the only real events worth bothering about. Now, there is, of course, the baby. Nine weeks tomorrow. That feels insane to me. We’re getting ready for her, I wrote a list last week of what we needed to buy and the drawers that we’ve allocated are now full of clean clothes and muslins and little tiny shoes that the girls like to look at. Emotionally, however, I’m not ready. J is, I think, finally excited and I’m kind of thinking that it was all a terrible idea. I’m reassuring myself that this is entirely normal and the feeling does ebb and flow as time goes on.

The countdown to school seems somehow more significant to me. Maybe because the girls are with me always, that they are two small people in their own right, not a largely theoretical baby that I don’t yet know. I think the thing is that life will never ever be the same again. They will now go to school until they are adults. I mean, seriously?! How on earth can my tiny babies be ready for school? They are ready. They are excited. They can’t wait and they will thrive. Again, it’s me. I’m not ready. At all.

I haven’t written either of my short stories. I haven’t looked at either of the two new books I should be reading and deciding if it’s worth continuing with them. I haven’t edited the first three chapters of my published book to resubmit them in the hope that someone might like them this time round. I do have ideas on how to do that, and on Wednesday, when I do have time, I must make a start.

I am blogging though, and that is something. I have written a huge number of words here since the beginning of January and if word count is anything, it is at least a bit of a confidence boost.

I’m now off to have a bath and go to bed. In case anyone wondered, Grace was up for an hour and a half last night. I’m tired. We’re all tired. She even woke super sleeper Isla up.

Times are weird round here.